How to Be Your Own Best Friend

Having spent the last year focusing on my health, I wanted to dive back into the Best Friend Handbook with a topic that’s truly at the core of what I’m trying to do here — give you some tools for how to be your own best friend. Because when we treat ourselves with the same loving kindness that we tend to extend to our BFFs, it gives us more grace to roll with the punches. And boy have there been a lot of punches over the last few years!

Ironically, though most would consider me a compassionate friend, cutting myself any kind of slack is not my strong suit. At heart, I am a perfectionist. It’s the defense mechanism that I developed as a child to create order within the chaos. And while I am a huge fan of doing things to the best of my ability, the problem with perfectionism is that my inner child equates it with being lovable. This makes any kind of perceived mistake, failure or inadequacy a really big deal. It’s also a self-defeating cycle since, as we all know, perfection is generally unattainable. So, here are some tools that I’ve found useful for strengthening my self-compassion muscle.

Breath My Friend

I can’t remember where I read about this mantra. It might have been from the brilliant Martha Beck. I love it because it’s so basic. Simply repeat the following out loud or quietly to yourself: “Inhale, my friend. Exhale, my friend”.

I have it on a post it, taped to my desk. It reminds me to breathe which is something I tend to forget when I get agitated, angry, or annoyed. And I am literally identifying as my own friend. It’s a super simple and powerful way to drop into that energy of loving kindness.

4-7-8 Breathing Technique

Another tool that I use daily is the 4-7-8 breathing technique that was developed by Dr. Andrew Weil. As someone with an overdeveloped “fight or flight”, this technique helps me stabilize my cortisol levels which is critical for my mental and physical well-being. Doing this in the morning allows me to start my day from a place of calm so when things go off the rails, as they so often do in this thing called life, I am more equipped to handle the stress without completely losing my sh*t and blaming myself. And doing it at night helps me let go of whatever self-criticism may still be lingering in my psyche so that I sleep better. It’s also fantastic if you wake up in the middle of the night to, let’s say, pee and then find that you can’t get back to sleep because your brain has decided to jump on the hamster anxiety wheel.

Again, this technique couldn’t be easier. Lie on your back and:

• Place a hand on your belly and a hand on your heart
• Inhale for 4 counts
• Hold for 7 counts
• Exhale for 8 counts
• Repeat 4-5 times

If you have the time, do a set on your back, a set on your left side and a set on your right side. It only takes about 5 minutes, and is totally worth it. I add it on to my PT stretches as I find it easier to commit to a new technique if I make it part of an existing routine.

What Would Kitten Do?

There is a group of us here in LA who’ve been friends since our 20’s when we all worked together at Castlerock, a now defunct production company, who all call Kitten. The name started off as a joke as it’s so not me, but it’s become a term of affection from friends who’ve loved me through thick and thin. So lately, after reading an article on the importance of self-compassion, I’ve adopted the following trick when I’m being mean to myself which is to ask: “What would Kitten do?”.

Doing this forces me to look at the situation from the perspective of a loving friend. Being my own BFF does not mean always letting myself off the hook. Sometimes, I am being hard on myself because I have failed or not delivered in some way. Typically, I’ve let fear paralyze me into a state of inaction. When this happens, I try think about what to-do advice that I’d give a friend if asked. For example:

• Hire an assistant
• Carve time during the day for self-care rituals like meditation
• Make an accountability pact with a colleague to conquer those hard “to dos”

The point is to “put down the whip”, take responsibility for my mistakes and come up with an action plan that will get the job done.