I was never taught what I like to call “appropriate anger”. Growing up, my father rarely got mad about the things that really pissed him off, but would explode over something silly. For instance, when I crashed his vintage Mercedes 280 SL, he didn’t raise his voice (although his fingernails might have left one or two bloody marks on the inside of his palms). But if the Bears made a bad play, he would scream so loud that the roof would rattle. And my parents fights? Legendary. Needless to say, I learned young that it wasn’t safe to get angry. So, I swallowed it. Which unfortunately seems to be the norm for many women of my generation. When men let the fur fly, they’re considered masculine. But when women do, they’re considered crass, crazy and bitchy.
The problem with suppressing anger is that it leads to resentment. Which isn’t just horrible for our health. It can also literally poison our relationships. So, one of the most important skills that any of us can learn is how to fight fair. Which is why I’m declaring it a Best Friend Handbook rule. For me, it starts with what I like to call “appropriate anger”. My stepfather taught me this one. When he gets mad, he lets you know about it in no uncertain terms. He owns his feelings. But once he expresses it, he lets it go. This was revelatory for me. But could I do this? Here are the steps that I take when I need to fight fair:
Own your anger – Your feelings are legitimate no matter how crazy they may seem. Respect yourself enough to express them. When they occur. At first, you may find yourself going overboard. You know, screaming, cursing, crying, but the more you practice getting angry in the moment, the calmer you’ll become.
Schedule a “mad minute” – A lot of times when we’re mad, we just need to vent. We’re not looking for feedback or a solution. We just need the other person to listen, but this can be hard for people with a lot of masculine energy since they’re hard wired to want to fix things. So, be upfront about what you need and schedule a minute or longer to just let it rip. Doing so makes everyone’s “job” clear.
Let empathy and compassion outweigh irritation – For those times when your anger does need a rebuttal, try to practice empathy and compassion. It will allow you to hear what the other person is saying by keeping you grounded and less defensive. We all bring baggage into every relationship so having empathy for someone else’s suitcases lets you listen and feel for that person even if you don’t agree with them.
